{"id":88,"date":"2021-12-26T10:16:52","date_gmt":"2021-12-26T10:16:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/?page_id=88"},"modified":"2022-06-29T11:50:13","modified_gmt":"2022-06-29T11:50:13","slug":"agnes","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/?page_id=88","title":{"rendered":"Agnes"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Jen walked to clear her head. She had always done so whenever she had something to decide or whenever life\u2019s stresses made her feel overwhelmed. She walked until she had her problems all sorted out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, when she got the out-of-state job promotion and the marriage proposal within twenty-four hours of each other, she put on her walking shoes and went to the park.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jen entered the park through the south gate and started around the perimeter path. At this time of day, runners clogged the path. After ten minutes of hearing people puffing their way by her, she looked around for somewhere to sit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To the right, there was a path up to a viewing point with a wooden bench. Jen walked up the path and sat down. She took several deep breaths to clear her mind. She glanced over at a plaque attached to a short plinth next to the bench.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIn memory of Agnes, who loved this park so much.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jen smiled at the loving tribute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, Agnes, <\/em>Jen thought, what should I choose? Marriage or job?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a tough one,\u201d replied the voice of an old woman. \u201cI chose marriage over college, but went to college later, after the kids were in school, so I ended up having both. Can\u2019t you figure out a way to have both?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jen stopped and looked around. She stood up and turned all the way around, scanning the area for the source of the voice. There was no one up here at the viewing point. The only people she saw were the joggers and walkers on the path below. She sat down. Now that she thought about it, the voice wasn\u2019t coming from somewhere else, but was inside her head, although it was definitely a separate entity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou asked me a question, so I answered,\u201d said the voice. \u201cNow you answer mine. Can you have both the job and the marriage?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI asked you? Who are you? Am I going crazy?\u201d Jen asked, aloud.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, you asked me a question. I am Agnes. No, you are not going crazy. And you needn\u2019t speak aloud. I can hear your thoughts. Now, would you like to talk about your problem or shall we go another round of \u2018How is this happening?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jen looked over at the plinth again. A dead woman was speaking inside her head. That was ridiculous. She was overwrought, that\u2019s all. But, if this is how her mind wanted to deal with her dilemma, she\u2019d just let it. It was fine. Maybe this was a good way to do it, have a \u201cconversation\u201d about it in her head. Of course, Jen had had internal debates before. Who hadn\u2019t? But, never did it seem like one voice in the debate was a separate person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whatever. Go with it. It\u2019ll be fine.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cExactly,\u201d said Agnes. \u201cJust go with it. That\u2019s what most folks do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What? Wait, I need to know more. How is this happening? Are you a ghost?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know the hows and whys. Nobody ever sees me, they just hear me in their heads. I know that I\u2019m not always here. Sometimes, I\u2019m nowhere. I can\u2019t explain it better than that. I either don\u2019t exist or I don\u2019t remember that other time when I\u2019m here in this place. When I am here, I get to talk to people. It\u2019s only ever people who are sitting on the bench. Some of them don\u2019t hear me. Others hear me and get scared and leave. Some talk back and we have a pleasant chat. Who are you going to be?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I guess I\u2019m already the person who talks back.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood! So, what\u2019s the problem? You\u2019re trying to decide between a job and a man? Or a woman? I died a while back, but I\u2019ve kept up. About time gay folks could marry, too. Who cares who loves whom? Anyway, what\u2019s your deal?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You get right to the point, don\u2019t you? My deal is that my boyfriend Jonathan proposed to me last night, and I said yes. And then, this morning, I got offered a promotion to a job that I have been working toward, but it\u2019s on the other side of the country. If I marry Jon, we\u2019ll have to stay here because his job is tied to this city. If the promotion was for a position here, I\u2019d have no problem.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOy!\u201d said Agnes, \u201cJen and Jon? I\u2019m already leaning toward you taking the job and not the guy, just because your names are too cute.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I thought you were here to help me with my problem, not to make fun of me.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI can do both. Deal with it. My first thought is if you\u2019re even thinking about taking a job over getting married, then you aren\u2019t madly in love.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love Jon!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure that you love him. I said you aren\u2019t madly in love. People who are head-over-heels in love don\u2019t think rationally about their options, which is not a good thing, actually. I\u2019m glad that you think enough of yourself to consider putting yourself first.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been working toward this promotion for years. I just thought that the offer would be here in the city. There\u2019s a guy retiring next year. I thought I\u2019d get his job. And then, they throw this at me and if I don\u2019t take it, it might look like I don\u2019t want the promotion at all.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI see. Tell me more about Jon. What is he like? Does he want children?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jon is a lawyer, an assistant district attorney. He\u2019s ambitious and hard-working. We enjoy the same kinds of things. He wants children, but I don\u2019t. At least not right now.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIs he good in bed?\u201d asked Agnes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jen blushed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes. I don\u2019t know why I told you that.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWho am I going to tell? And it\u2019s a factor, don\u2019t kid yourself. Now, I\u2019m going to ask you a question and I want you to be completely honest. Do you want children?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, I don\u2019t. I really think I won\u2019t ever want any. But, everyone says that I\u2019ll change my mind.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEh,\u201d said Agnes, \u201cMaybe. But probably not. And it isn\u2019t fair to Jon to not be honest about this with him. People who want children should have them and people who don\u2019t, shouldn\u2019t. In my day, people had kids without a thought of whether or not they wanted them. It didn\u2019t turn out well for those reluctant parents or those unwanted kids.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Did you want your kids? You said before that you went to college after the kids were in school.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI also had kids with no forethought. It was just something you did back then. Turns out I enjoyed being a mother, but I always had my own hobbies and interests apart from them. I wasn\u2019t one of those\u2014whadda-ya-callits\u2014helicopter moms. I went to college when the youngest was in first grade, got a teaching certificate and taught high school English until I retired. The kids and I had similar schedules while they were in school. It worked out well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, you think I shouldn\u2019t marry Jon because he wants kids and I don\u2019t?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Agnes, \u201cI think you should be up front with him. Don\u2019t say you don\u2019t want kids just now. Tell him you don\u2019t want kids and you can\u2019t guarantee you ever will.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That will be a hard conversation.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, it will. But do it, anyway. Now, about this job. Do you love it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Love it? No. I\u2019m good at it. I like the money and the perks. The promotion comes with more money and more perks. I like the lifestyle that the job allows me to have. And this is the first time I\u2019ve admitted that. First time I\u2019ve admitted that I don\u2019t want kids, too. What, exactly, are you doing to me, Agnes?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m getting down to the truth. People usually know right away if they want to marry. People also know if they want a certain job. You think you are weighing these two things that you want, but I think that you truly don\u2019t want either.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jen realized Agnes was right. She didn\u2019t want to marry Jon, and she didn\u2019t want the promotion. In fact, she didn\u2019t like her job at all, and her relationship with Jon had stalled a while ago. She stayed with Jon because leaving was a big decision. The relationship wasn\u2019t horrible, it just wasn\u2019t great. It was easier to coast along.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shit, Agnes. You just blew up my life.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the one who sat on the bench. You talked to me first.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I guess I did. So, what now? Are you going to help me figure out what I want because all we\u2019ve figured out here is what I don\u2019t want.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou said you liked the perks of your job and the lifestyle it affords,\u201d said Agnes. \u201cBe specific. What are the perks? What does the money allow you to do?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, I work with customers, which I like, and I get to travel. The travel allows me to explore other places. I often plan my vacations while I\u2019m on a business trip by asking the locals about hiking and nature walks in the area. The money also allows me to own a cabin upstate in the woods. I go there every weekend and holiday that I can manage. It costs a lot to park an SUV in the city, so the job pays for luxuries like that. I\u2019m not by nature a city girl. That\u2019s why I come to the park and walk around. It helps me clear my head. It\u2019s the quietest place around.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo you like working with customers and you spend your life trying to get away from where you live?\u201d asked Agnes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, when you put it that way, it sounds crazy.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt is crazy! Okay. Don\u2019t overthink this, just say the first thing that comes into your mind. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A forest ranger.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat was your major in college?\u201d asked Agnes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Communications and marketing because sensible people don\u2019t major in botany and environmental studies. People need to work a real job when they get out of college. You can\u2019t get a job wandering around in the woods. Oh my god! I sound just like my father!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSheesh! Fathers!\u201d said Agnes, \u201cKillers of dreams. Why do you think I chose a husband over college? My father threatened to disown me. He thought college was for finding a husband and I had already found a guy to marry me. Lucky for me, my Harry was nothing like my father. He was the one who talked me into going to college. I said to him, \u2018But, Harry, I\u2019ll be 35 by the time I\u2019m finished college in four years\u2019 and he said, \u2018How old will you be in four years if you don\u2019t go to college?\u2019 I applied the next day. So, what would you have to do to get a job where you spend your days in the woods?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jen sat on the bench, astonished at how quickly her thought process had turned into something else entirely. It was originally a pros and cons list, a weighing of two options, and it had turned into an upheaval of her entire life. She found she was smiling, and she realized she hadn\u2019t smiled so spontaneously in quite a while. She could do this. It was possible. She could say no thank you to the job, she could say no thank you to Jon. Moving to the cabin year-round sounded like heaven. Her friend Emily, who did nature walks, guided hiking tours and mountain biking tours, could help her. Jen had helped Em out with larger groups in the past and had also subbed for her occasionally. Suddenly, everything fell into place. She had some hard conversations ahead, but she found she didn\u2019t dread them at all, because they would lead her to where she wanted to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo,\u201d said Agnes, \u201cYou\u2019ve got it all figured out, haven\u2019t you? I think you\u2019ll be fine. Go! If you\u2019re ever back in the city, stop by and tell me about your new life. Go, sweetie.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thank you, Agnes. I don\u2019t know how\u2026 just thank you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re welcome, darling. Bye, now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jen stood up and started down the walkway to the jogging path below, grinning from ear to ear at the thought of what she was about to do, looking forward to this new life she had not even dreamed of until a few minutes ago. An old man stood at the bottom of the walkway, neatly dressed, waiting for her to pass before he continued on his way up to the viewpoint. Jen almost said something to him, but got a hold of herself before she blurted out to a stranger that she had just had an epiphany while conversing with a dead woman. Good heavens! He\u2019d think she was crazy. The thought made her smile more broadly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man nodded at her as she passed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe\u2019s amazing, isn\u2019t she?\u201d the man said, \u201cMy Agnes.\u201d Jen stopped and stared at him. He winked at Jen and continued on his way to sit on the bench.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a9 2018 Liza Cameron Wasser<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jen walked to clear her head. She had always done so whenever she had something to decide or whenever life\u2019s stresses made her feel overwhelmed. She walked until she had her problems all sorted out. So, when she got the out-of-state job promotion and the … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-88","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/88","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=88"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/88\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":296,"href":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/88\/revisions\/296"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lizacameronwasser.de\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=88"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}